The way you cannot look me in the eyes
by DearAbby
Summary: Carter worries about a friend.
1. Default Chapter

**The way you cannot look me in the eyes**  
  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters mentioned.... you know the  
drill.  
**Summary:** Carter worries about a friend.  
**Author's notes:** Just another weird idea. Pretty out of character, but hey,  
it's my story. There might be another chapter, depending on whether someone is interested in reading it or not. ;)  
Feedback appreciated, as always.

It had been a long time since she'd looked at him like he was someone  
special. Someone worth the time of her day. Walking past him she had  
decided that he didn't even deserve a short "Hello". She'd keep her head  
down, or looking sideways, smiling and giving that Hello to someone else.  
Working with him she never spoke more words than she had to, and those  
words were cold.  
It had been a long time since she had looked into his eyes.  
  
Other people would talk about her, and wonder why she was so happy. Why she  
was always smiling, and why she was dressing up every day. They assumed  
that she had found someone new. That she was in love.  
But they didn't look into her eyes. They didn't see the despair she hid  
behind that facade. He had seen it, but done nothing about it. He wasn't  
going to take the first step. She was the one playing this game, not him.  
When she greeted him in the halls, he would ask her what's wrong.  
He imagined the scene in his mind for the millionth time. Her walking down  
the halls, looking down the way she used to, and then suddenly looking up  
at him, smiling like she'd just realized that he was there. Like he'd come  
back from an unexisting journey, to see her. She'd smile at him and look  
warmly at him, letting him know that he was still someone special.  
And he would start talking to her, they would laugh together, and after his  
shift, he would wait for her, and then they would leave together. Walk side  
by side, talking about everything that was going on, like they always had.  
But she never looked up.  
She never smiled.  
  
One day she wasn't there anymore. For three days, she didn't show up for  
work, and as his shift came to its end, he realized that he needed to know.  
It was probably nothing, she was probably out sick, that was what he had  
been telling himself, but suddenly it wasn't good enough anymore. This  
stupid silent treatment they had been doing meant nothing, he realized, if  
she was in trouble. He should have seen that earlier.  
She wasn't on a leave, he heard, and when he talked to Kerry Weaver, he  
found out that she hadn't called in sick either. She simply didn't show up,  
which had made Kerry furious, he learned.  
Something was wrong with her if she didn't bother to come to work. She had  
given up her life for this job. She wouldn't just walk away, unless something was really wrong.  
Now he was scared.  
  
He walked towards her house. It was the only house in the neighbourhood  
where the lights were not turned on in any window. Maybe she had left,  
maybe she was no longer interested in walking down the streets of Chicago.  
Or maybe she was in trouble.  
He reluctantly knocked on the door. The house remained silent. He was about  
to turn and walk away, but something made him wait. The door was unlocked,  
he realized. He opened it and walked inside. A scent of incense lingered in  
the hall.  
He found her sitting on the living room floor. She was slowly rocking back  
and forth, humming softly to herself in Chinese. He spoke her name, but she  
didn't react. He sat down next to her, but she just looked right through  
him, like he wasn't there. Her eyes did not allow her to see anymore. She  
was beyond reach.  
He embraced her. He wanted to protect her from whatever had made her like  
this. He wanted to make her smile for real again. But he couldn't. So he  
just held her tightly for hours that night, while she was mumbling the same  
phrase over and over again.  
"Dui bu qi." 


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the lovely feedback!!

I am soooo sorry about the delay. I have been abroad and I have been sick, but those are lame excuses. Writer's block is my best one actually. But I finally sat down to complete it. I'm not at all that happy with the way I wrote this though, it feels too different from the first chapter. Oh well, feedback is still totally appreciated.

A harsh wind sweeps me off my feet,   
_and as I wrestle with my demons;   
__an angel steps ahead and offers me   
__a shelter in the storm   
__and spreads her wings to help me keep you warm.   
_

They had been sitting there on the floor for hours that night. Not until the sun was rising, did he get her to speak. She was leaning against him, totally exhausted, when she was finally ready to let him in.   
"He's gone" she whispered. Her voice cracked and her hands were trembling, and he could do nothing to make her feel better. She wasn't sick, he couldn't cure her, like he would have if she had been hurt. It broke his heart to know that whatever he said, whatever he did, it wasn't enough to take the pain away.   
Never had he felt more useless than at that moment.   
"I prayed, and I prayed" she told him, struggling not to cry. "I prayed" she repeated, her voice filled with an anger and sadness he didn't know she possessed. "It's my fault".   
"What Deb? What is your fault?" he asked, holding her closer, knowing nothing but the burning desire to heal her and make her smile, that way she always did when she saw him.   
She shifted position slightly to look up at him, but she didn't smile. Instead her eyes were filled with tears, and suddenly he understood.   
Oh God, he thought, unable to do anything for a moment. The pain in his best friend's eyes was so constant, so piercing, he didn't know what to say or do.   
"He's gone" she repeated softly, confirming what he already knew. And with those words, she fell apart in his arms, leaving him to pick up the pieces of something that had been shattered and would never truly heal.

Later, he would find out the whole story. He'd listen to his best friend telling him about a rainy day, how a family went for a drive, and how a child never came home. How she blamed herself, because she was the one to give him up, she was the one to leave him with a mother who would fall asleep by the wheel and crash into a truck. She wasn't there when her child was hospitalized for weeks, there was nothing she could do, and now she would never see another picture of her son.   
He had listened to her saying that she'd never stopped thinking about him, that she'd always loved him, that she wished she had made a different decision that day that he was born. And worst of all, he'd listened to hear stating that she wanted to die.   
She didn't deserve to live, and she wanted to be with him, wherever he was, to protect him, like she'd failed to do that night.   
It didn't matter what he said, she wanted to die, and it scared him.

"Deb!" he shouted. She was standing on the edge, and he instantly realized that she was going to jump. But that was one thing he was not going to let her do. He'd let things get past him, like that time he found her after she'd taken too many sleeping pills, but letting her stand on the edge of the roof, planning on cutting her life short, that was not something he was prepared to watch.   
She looked at him, but it felt like she was looking right through him. Like he wasn't there. Like she'd done for so long.   
"Deb" he repeated, pleadingly, reaching out for her hand. "Please".   
And finally, finally she acknowledged his existence. She looked into his eyes, and that was all he needed. He took her hand and carefully led her down and then she unexpectedly wrapped her arms around him. He embraced her, let her cry into his coat. And at that moment he knew that no matter what, he was going to save her from herself.   
No matter what, he was going to make her smile again.

And here I linger in the silence   
_that brings a haunted spirit peace.   
__And I hope, I hope you have the strength   
__to look at me and see   
__the angel in the room. _


End file.
